


Sanity is Overrated

by charivari



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: AU, Alien soap operas, Misfire's weird internet browsing history, Slight spoilers for Issue 45, Spinister being Spinister, Television, W.A.P. stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 07:01:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4951054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charivari/pseuds/charivari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Instead of being rescued by Thunderclash, Velocity's crew are rescued by the Scavengers. Cue the insanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sanity is Overrated

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the latest issue. The Scavengers are dorks. Lotty is also (in my mind) a dork. So I thought why not have her on the W.A.P.

 

Spinister was a shoot first, ask questions later sort of a guy. Velocity had learnt that on first meeting him - when the Scavengers had boarded her ship and Spinister had shot Skystriker on sight.

Not fatally, thank Solus, he had mistaken him for the 'enemy', something that happened frequently, according to Misfire, and during their first few months aboard the W.A.P., Velocity had seen for herself that 'enemies' included inanimate objects.

So it was a precaution that she knocked before entering the medbay - announcing her presence instead of barging into potential gunfire. Though even the precaution wasn't without its hiccups.

"Spinister, it's me, can I come in?"

Beyond the door came Spinister grumbling,

"Damn door is talking again," followed by the ominous charge of a blaster.

"No it's Lotty," she called hurriedly - before he could blow a hole in the door (again), "Could you lower your gun and let me come in?"

"How do I know it's not the door pretending its Lotty?" Spinister demanded.

Velocity sighed. Now she knew why the rest of the Scavengers avoided the medbay unless it was an emergency - and in the instance of Crankcase and his helm injury, not even that was enough to persuade him.

"Spinister it really is Lotty," she said, "Velocity. One of the Camiens. You responded to our distress signal after our ship malfunctioned. You're taking us to Cybertron. A door wouldn't be able to tell you that, surely."

"It could if it's been eavesdropping," Spinister growled, "I should shoot, just in case."

"Or you could just open the door," Velocity pointed out, "It'll spare you a lecture from Krok."

She wasn't even sure if Spinister really cared how much Krok ranted about him destroying parts of the ship on a regular basis. For the sake of her own safety she moved well clear of the doorway in case he answered with gunfire.

Instead the door slid open and Spinister poked his helm out,

"What do you want?" he asked Velocity - as though the debate over the door hadn't occurred. Which Velocity didn't mind - she was honestly more concerned with the fact he was still holding a gun.

"Could you maybe not point the deadly weapon at me?"

Spinister grunted, though he lowered it all the same.

"What do you want?" he repeated.

He was the tallest of the Scavengers, Velocity had to crane her neck to meet his gaze. But she was used to this, having to do the same with Firestar - which was why she had come in the first place, to find something to distract her from their latest argument.

"I was wondering if you had any medical files I could borrow."

"What do they look like?" Spinister asked, causing Lotty to frown.

"You... don't know what medical files look like?"

Sometimes she wasn't sure if Spinister was genuinely clueless or his ignorance was an act. In any case he responded with a blank glare.

"Datapads," she explained, "You know, rectangular screens with writing on them."

"I know what a datapad is," Spinister huffed.

"Of course," Velocity gave him a reassuring smile, "Can I come in then?"

Spinister shrugged,

"Do what you want. You're not a prisoner."

Velocity tried to ignore the sneer in his voice. Spinister had objected to letting the Camiens aboard. They had already picked up enough strays - Fulcrum, Grimlock - they didn't need anymore... besides they looked funny.

Velocity had attempted to explain why - Spinister hadn't seemed all that interested. In the end he had been overruled by Krok. They were headed for Cybertron anyway - which was where Windblade, Chromia and Nautica had been headed - they may as well take the Camiens with them.

"We can always scrap them for parts," Crankcase had muttered, "If we get desperate."

"Uh he's joking," Fulcrum had tried to allay their fears, "We only scavenge off the dead."

"Dead," Spinister said, "As in, bang you're dead."

Which was exactly the reason why Firestar and the others had confined themselves to their makeshift quarters - even though they were free to wander the ship, which Velocity had, partly to put on a brave front, partly to learn more about their 'rescuers'.

She soon worked out, while not being completely sane and altogether harmless, they weren't the evilest beings in the universe, not in the way Firestar saw them.

In fact, they were sort of, well, comical.

They spent their days trying to shoot each other with harmless darts, watching television and 'trolling' former colleagues online.

Occasionally they did scavenge off dead bodies - Lotty took to accompanying them to make sure the donor was definitely deceased. The Scavengers even seemed a little grossed out by her requesting to study the bodies.

"I'm a medic," she had attempted to justify, "I need to be familiar with Cybertronian anatomy if I'm going to help Spinister fix any of you."

To which Misfire had responded,

"You can study my anatomy anytime you want baby."

"Pff you want her to cut you open?" Crankcase quipped, "Because that's what you're implying dumb aft."

He had expressed similar disdain at Velocity offering to repair his helm.

"You said you failed your medical exam how many times? I'd sooner let Spinister near my brain and there's no damn chance of that."

The others weren't so opposed to her expertise. She helped repair their scrapes when Shoot Shoot Bang Bang turned a little too physical (every game really).

She had been worried about stepping on Spinister's pedes at first. But the medic hadn't seemed overly concerned with sharing his post.

Misfire had shrugged when she confided her concern.

"He prefers breaking to fixing stuff," he said, "Plus you know, he's the dumbest person alive."

Velocity wasn't so sure about the last part. Spinister was paranoid, arguably delusional but he didn't strike her as being stupid.

His mental faculties were hardly as damaged as Grimlock's. She had attempted to diagnose the dinobot at Misfire's urging. It hadn't ended well, Grimlock descending into a rage, Misfire pushing her aside to take the brunt of it.

Krok scolded him afterwards, after Grimlock had been contained.

"If you want to housetrain him so be it. But keep Lotty out of it."

His concern had surprised her - especially when she hadn't been injured. It seemed to cement a growing sense of belonging, something that put her at greater odds with Firestar.

"You're becoming one of them," she had accused, "You probably don't even want to get out of this situation."

"What's wrong with our situation? We're not prisoners Star."

"We may as well be. Stuck on this ship," Firestar buried her face in her hands, "I wish I had never left Caminus."

Nothing Velocity said was able to console her. In the end she had left her friend to her moping.

The medbay hadn't been her first choice in seeking a distraction. She had sought out the others - only to find Misfire occupied with trolling, something she found more mean-spirited than amusing. Fulcrum and Crankcase were watching their favorite comedian on the television.

Not being from Cybertron, Velocity didn't really understand the jokes. She also had little knowledge of the war aside from bits and pieces she had picked up from the Scavengers.

Immersing herself in medical data had seemed more appealing. But in Spinister's chaotic excuse for a medbay, that was easier said than done - even after she had waded through the mess to locate the files.

"Why are some of the screens broken?"

"They were bad," Spinister answered.

'Bad' by Spinister's enigmatic definition, determined by punching them.

"Uh, fair enough," Velocity said, continuing to search through the pile.

She sensed Spinister towering over her shoulder.

"What do you want with them anyway?" he asked, "You're a medic. You should already know the stuff that's on 'em."

"Revision doesn't hurt," Velocity replied, "I want to stay at the top of my game."

"You wanna know how I stay on top?"

Velocity frowned at yet another cracked screen.

"Punching things?"

"Yeah," Spinister's voice seemed borderline pleased.

"Don't you get tired of punching things?" Velocity asked.

"Nope," Spinister said, "It's fun. You should try it."

He actually seemed enthusiastic. Velocity grimaced a little.

"I'm okay," she said, politely as possible, "Besides I have smaller fists than you. If I punched anything I would probably hurt myself."

She gave a small start as Spinister's hand closed over her wrist,

"Yeah your fists are puny," he said, "But you could smash something."

He released her - moving over to a cabinet that contained medicinal vials. He selected one, violent green in color.

"Smash this," he held it out.

Velocity accepted it with curiosity, turning it over in her hand. There was no label.

"What is it?"

Spinister shrugged,

"Can't remember," he leered at the vial, "I don't like the way it glows. Like it's taunting me."

His optics suddenly burned with more intensity,

"Quick smash it before the urge over takes me!"

His words were so startling Velocity found herself throwing the vial. It smashed on the floor, liquid bubbling and hissing. It started to burn a hole through the floor.

"It's some kind of acid," Velocity said with alarm, "How could you not remember that?"

Spinister didn't answer. He raised his gun,

"It's still taunting me!" he started firing into the corrosive liquid.

"Stop," Velocity shouted, "You're making it worse!"

Spinister didn't appear to have heard her. Fortunately Krok arrived on the scene.

"What the hell is... Spinister I told you, no gunfire inside the ship!"

"We're under attack," Spinister roared, "An acid-based lifeform is chewing its way through the floor."

Krok glanced at Velocity for confirmation.

"It's just regular acid," she babbled, "We didn't know - Spinister told me to smash this random vial..."

"So you did it?" Krok barked - his tone reminding her unpleasantly of her former lecturers.

_"You FORGOT the time of the exam?"_

_"Do you really think RACING is a reasonable excuse for tardiness?"_

_"You left the scalpel INSIDE the patient?"_

"I'm sorry," she said, "I know it was s-stupid."

Krok suddenly looked uncomfortable,

"Okay, okay," he said, "I know it was Spinister's fault."

"My fault?" Spinister snarled, "I'm the only one attempting to save us right now."

Krok ex-vented, a sound that somehow rose above the gunfire.

"Lotty leave this to me," he jumped on Spinister, "STOP. SHOOTING. THE. SHIP!"

Velocity hurried to fetch the others.

"I threw acid on the floor and Spinister started shooting it and now Krok is wrestling with him to make him stop."

The trio were silent a moment. Misfire burst out laughing.

"Where'd you get acid?"

Fulcrum rose to his feet with appropriate concern,

"I'd better go help him."

He rushed off.

"I'm totally gonna go watch,” Misfire followed with a grin.

That left Velocity standing awkwardly with Crankcase,

"Aren't you going too?"

Crankcase huffed,

"I'm watching the television."

He turned his attention back to the screen - seemingly unfazed by the situation taking place in the medbay. Velocity slumped next to him on the couch,

"Firestar thinks I'm crazy for hanging out with you," the words left her vocalizer with a sigh, "Maybe she's right."

"Probably," Crankcase grunted, "But you know, sanity is overrated."

Velocity glanced at the mech, helm injury fully on display, knowing those words shouldn't fill her with much comfort. But for some reason they did.

"I hope so," she said, "What are you watching?"

"It's this Blortian soap opera," Crankcase answered, "Tentacles of Love. It's not too bad - I know a lot of mecha hate organics but they do make reasonably decent television programs."

Velocity watched two multi-armed aliens conversing on screen.

"I don't know what's going on."

Crankcase gave a small grumble,

"That's Ydassis and her identical egg-twin Aahaj. Aahaj mated with Ydassis' lover, Rahgag, who Ydassis isn't even allowed to be with because she's royalty and Rahgag has been sentenced to death on the very cycle that Ydassis is being forced to marry her egg-cousin Jaahah, even though she doesn't love him. Aahaj mated with him too, so she's carrying the eggs of both Rahgag and Jaahah... Oh there's Jaahah now and the one with him, that's Jarbare, she's an assassin in disguise, she wants revenge on the family because they killed her sire or as they say on Blort, egg-father. Are you following all this?"

"Yes," Velocity smiled, "Egg-father."

"What's this about an egg-father?" Misfire dived onto the couch between Crankcase and Velocity, "Ooo Tentacles of Love. Crankcase's favorite show."

"Shut up," Crankcase snapped, "It's a good show."

"It's smut," Misfire grinned at Velocity, "Nothing but gratuitous organic interface lazily strung together with cheesy plots. You may as well be watching porn."

"Like you?" Crankcase retorted, "We all know you don't clear your browsing history."

"I'm not ashamed. I have a heathy sexual appetite."

"Interspecies Erotica III: Beast Orgy."

Misfire grimaced,

"I clicked on that by accident I swear."

"Clicked on what by accident?" Fulcrum interjected weakly.

He looked the worse for wear. Velocity moved to inspect his bruised plating.

"Nothing," Misfire answered hastily, "Look what's on. Tentacles of Love. My, how exciting."

"Probably not as exciting as Interspecies Erotica III," Crankcase said.

Fulcrum pulled a face,

"Yeah you really need to delete your browsing history Misfire," he said, "Not judging. But not everyone wants to watch that kind of thing.

"It. Was. An. Accident!"

"Accident?" Krok appeared, looking equally, if not more dented than Fulcrum, "What have you done now Misfire?"

"Nothing," Misfire whined, "Why can't I watch Tentacles of Love in peace?"

"I thought it was gratuitous organic interface lazily strung together with cheesy plots?" Crankcase quipped.

"I said no such thing."

"You did."

"I didn't - your brain is acting up again."

"How's Spinister?" Velocity asked as she inspected Krok's injuries - like Fulcrum's they were superficial.

"Sulking," Krok sighed, "Which is really what I should be doing. It's going to cost a fortune to repair the floor."

"Why don't you sit down for a while," Velocity suggested, "Rest."

Krok shrugged,

"You are the medic," he said, permitting Velocity to lead him to the couch, "Did I miss the execution-bonding ceremony?"

"Nope, that's coming up soon."

"Oh good."

Silence descended over the group as their attention focused on the screen.

Rahgag was about to be executed when Jarbare rushed onto the scene, proclaiming she had mated with both Rahgag and Jaahah and threatened to kill both offspring if Rahgag wasn't freed.

"Oh snap, I did not see that coming," Misfire crowed, "Did you guys see that coming?"

"Shhh," Fulcrum hushed him.

"Don't shush me."

"Shhh!" the rest of the group answered as a collective. Misfire pouted.

Now Aahaj, Jarbare and Ydassis were engaged in some kind of provocative cat fight over their mates' adultery.

"So many tentacles," Misfire murmured, optics wide.

"Who do we want to win?" Velocity asked aloud.

"Aahaj," Krok said.

"That glitch," Crankcase said derisively, "Ydassis all the way."

"I like Aahaj," Krok shrugged, "She's... sassy."

"Trust you to like the complicated ones Krok," Misfire teased.

"Explains why I'm still with you lot," Krok huffed.

"Aww you love us really," Misfire crooned, "I'm totally team Jarbare by the way."

"What about you Lotty?" Fulcrum asked.

"I honestly don't know which is which," Velocity admitted sheepishly.

The tentacled femmes all looked the same to her.

"Pff it's easy," Crankcase said, "The one with the shortest tentacles, that's Aahaj."

"I thought that was Ydassis," Fulcrum frowned.

"No that's Jarbare," Krok said, "Aahaj is the one with the..."

"ORGANIC FILTH!" Spinister's voice caused them all to jump.

He fired a single shot at the television which promptly exploded.

"SPINISTER YOU AFT!"

"Do you know how much televisions cost?" Krok moaned.

"Now I won't find out what happens," Crankcase scowled.

"You can always get the spoilers online," Fulcrum told him.

"I suppose I'll have to," Crankcase cast a glare at Spinister as he left.

"Slag!" Misfire suddenly launched himself to his feet, "Crankcase wait, I didn't shut my browser."

"UGH WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?"

"Why do I put up with this?" Krok sighed.

"Cheer up Krok," Velocity smiled, "Sanity is overrated."


End file.
